Self Care and Seeking Help

I'm not sure if this is specific to just women, or if it's something that plagues humanity as whole, but as a society, we seem to value the martyr, shamelessly sacrificing ourselves in the name of the cause. We ignore our pain, power through, in order to reach the hero's pedestal; a pedestal that one can only achieve through struggle and self sufficiency. One is considered weak when admitting that he/she needs help. If we admit a weakness, it makes us vulnerable, and open for attack. 

I write this because I see so many people in my life that are in pain, but refuse to ask for help. I can do that on a smaller scale, so maybe this blog post is for myself. As I gain new friends on Facebook and through my mom groups, I get very nervous revealing some of my past grievances, but I've also made a commitment to myself to continue a life of transparency and authenticity, so here I am, blogging about my past again :). The most powerful and life changing moments in my life were when I have admitted complete defeat. The first time was when I realized that I had a problem with alcohol; a time when I was terribly unhappy, living in Columbia on my own, completely isolated from society and caught in a dependence that left me at rock bottom. I reached out for help, not even knowing what that help would look like, but doing so anyway. Thank God for my mom and her willingness to help me do what I could not do for myself. I had to admit complete defeat, and admit that I wasn't strong enough to do this on my own. I needed help from my mom, from the state, and from some type of power greater than myself. Many people feel that drug and alcohol dependency is a weakness that can be overcome through a strong moral backbone and a head full of will power. Again, thank God my mom wasn't one of those people because I 100% needed something more than to depend on myself. Myself was the problem and I needed something more. 

The other time was when I had about 7 years of sobriety. I had a head full of a type of spirituality that wasn't touching my heart. I knew in my mind that God loved me, and that He was there to help through life. But in my heart, I felt as though I was alone. I told a friend that I felt as though each morning, I woke up to put on my armor and grab my sword. I was out to battle the world and I had to do so alone. It was the only time in the last 15 years that I ever considered drinking a better option than what was in front of me. It was then that I realized I needed something more, once again. I sought out therapy with a woman who has done so much for me in the remaining 8 years, Nancy Neal. I've continued to see her as well as continued in my other recovery for years, and am now in the healthiest place I've ever been. 

Why do we wish to handle this life alone? What is so scary about opening ourselves up and being vulnerable? For me, I've always carried a wall around my heart, trying to protect it from any pain. My thoughts have always been, "it's better to protect myself than to open myself up for others to hurt me". Is that really living though? I decided that it was not, and through lots of work, I've realized that it's best to have an open heart, and to live a life of authenticity. Asking for help is the strongest thing one can do and is the ultimate form of self care, even if that means breaking down the walls of protection and strength. 

Pregnancy and Body Image

Pregnancy is such an interesting time for me, especially in terms of body image and dealing with weight gain. There are so many factors that go into one's mental state when it concerns weight, and if you consider all of the factors a pregnant woman endures, it's easy to see where a problem such as body image can really be difficult during this time.

Photo by Liv Collins Photography

1)  Everybody feels they have the right to tell you how big/small you are. 

When I was pregnant with Ellie, I started off weighing about 170 lbs. I actually was very healthy, but on the larger side of my BMI. In addition to that, I gained 45 lbs with her and my belly was huge. In my third trimester, I got so many comments about how HUGE I was, that I was having twins, I looked like I was going to pop, etc. In spite of it being very painful for me, it might have actually been a good thing because I finally just had to accept that I get big when pregnant and people are going to tell me that. I had to separate the fact that my value as a human isn't connected with my weight and in reality, I was actually kind of big. This time, I've already gotten a TON of comments about how big my belly is and how they can't believe I have this long to go, yada yada yada. WTF people? With Ellie, a lady was so rude about it, I cried for about an hour after our encounter. This time, I seem to not care as much. I carry my babies big. I just do. I'm 40 lbs lighter with this baby and still have a huge belly.

2) Hormones

This pregnancy has been much more emotional, but even with Ellie, I had a lot of ups and downs emotionally, most of it being triggered by weight. When I could possibly have taken comments above in stride, add in pregnancy hormones, and it really upset me. I'm sure my husband and my sponsor heard me talk about my hurt feelings over and over and over again. Poor them.

3) Hunger

Listen, I'm a hungry person anyways. I like to eat. I can eat a lot. When I'm pregnant, I am hungry ALL OF THE TIME. And when I don't eat, I actually get sick, so I eat.

The way that I seem to overcome the obsession with body image is just trusting myself and trusting my body knows what it is doing. I made a promise a long time ago that I was going to listen to what my body needs. I may second guess myself every once in a while, but overall, I trust that whatever craving I am having means it's what I need. I am actually eating a lot better this pregnancy than the last, but I still seem to have an affinity for those damn frosted lemonades.

I'd really love, one day, to no longer struggle with the thought that I need to lose weight or that I'm somehow doing something wrong when it comes to food/exercise. I know that this is my kryptonite and something with which I'll always struggle, but wouldn't it be neat if I could just let go of the idea that I'm supposed to be eating this or doing that? What I'm really grateful for is the fact that I am very healthy, I have super easy pregnancies, my babies are very healthy, and I'm aware of the fact that I'm here to nurture and support them not only emotionally and spiritually, but also physically. I have to provide my bodies with the nutrients needed to carry them to term, give them what they need to grow, and then nurse them until they're able to feed themselves. That's what my body is for. It's really not to wear a bikini in August at Isle of Palms. And actually, because I am embarrassed by my tramp stamp, I probably wouldn't do that anyway :).

Overall, I feel that I am in a better space with my body image now as I am able to separate the physical from all of the other stuff. It'll be interesting to see what happens after I have the baby but for now, I feel pretty good.