Forgiveness and Love; What are we called to do

A Path Leading Up - may we take this with humility

Ellie and I finally made it to Mass today for the first time since May. I hate that I've missed so much but between subbing for yoga, going to the beach, Mother's day, Father's day, and lots of other stuff. We've had a lot of Sunday morning activities. It felt good to be back, especially during such a difficult time. The Charleston shootings have shocked the country, but being here in SC, it's really sent a wave of despair and controversy through the state. 

I'm not one to talk about politics and current events, but there were a couple of things that I felt were important about the reactions of the victims in this attack. We all got to hear a beautiful lesson in how to follow a spiritual life. There was so much beauty in the reaction of the victims' families, and the forgiveness they were able to extend to the killer. 

Forgiveness is a path to the healing of the heart. One cannot have a whole, healthy heart when harboring a resentment. Resentment cause discourse within, and causes the heart to close. One of my favorites quotes came from The Untethered Soul; it states ""No matter what happens below you, just turn your eyes upward and relax your heart." Though life may contain many challenges and we may experience much pain, our only task is to remain open. Our task is to remain vulnerable and open to the love around us and above us. That's such an important lesson for me because I am VERY sensitive and I can easily retreat into myself when life gets rough. I tend to be a guarded person, and through lots of work, I've been on the path of opening, though I still have a long road ahead. 

What does forgiveness look like? The victims of the Charleston shooting showed us the ultimate example of forgiveness. Though they experienced some of the worst pain that one can experience in life, the loss of a loved one, they forgave the killer. They laid their hands upon the image of him, told him they forgave him, and told him they loved him. He was not remorseful. He did not come groveling and asking for grace. He stood there with a blank face and they forgave him anyway. That is what we're called to do. It's easy to forgive someone who comes to you with an apologetic heart. When we see a person in a vulnerable state, it's easy for us to remain open too. Our function, though, is to remain vulnerable and loving even if the other is not. It's through this forgiveness that one opens oneself up to the light above. Our soul is free and we remain a vessel through which God can work. Our heart remains open and our energy pure. If they can forgive after such a heinous act, who am I to not forgive?  

As we continue to face our adversaries through such a divisive time in our country, I am reminded of the prayer of St Francis of Assisi. 

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy.

O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
It is in dying to self that we are born to eternal life.

It is not my function to judge, but only to love and be of service. If we keep that idea in mind, how would it change our daily actions and interactions with others? I'm not responsible for anyone but myself and maybe through my service, I can be a light to others. Why would I want to be anything else? 

Svadhyaya

I thought I'd give a little update of where I am, since I haven't blogged recently. I am now almost 22 weeks pregnant and kind of stagnant in my yoga practice.

I'm planning on doing a post on Prenatal Yoga soon, so please keep an eye out for that. I went to a Prenatal Yoga class recently, but it was focused so much on stretching which is exactly the opposite of what I need to be doing. So, I haven't been back. I haven't really been even practicing at home because when I do, I get a little pain in the front of my leg and it hurts to walk. My yoga teacher, Karen Noonan, used to always say, it should feel good unless it doesn't. This didn't, so I have stopped. I guess my exercise at this point is chasing around a toddler and picking her up. I used to hate when celebrities said stuff like that because I was like, whatever, but it's true. I actually do get some exercise doing that. I'm not saying it's a crossfit workout or anything, I'm just saying it's not sitting at a desk 10 hours a day. 

I actually feel so much better this pregnancy, which is amazing considering my last pregnancy was so good. It's probably because I'm about 40 lbs lighter so I am not carrying as much weight. I've also been eating a lot healthier. The first pregnancy, I craved and could only eat McDonald's, which I realize is disgusting. This time, it's a lot more veggies, and lean meat. I will confess that yesterday was one of those days though, and I had a frosted lemonade from Chick Fil A and a hot fudge sundae from McD's. I've only been there twice though! I mainly eat at home and I have been craving healthier stuff. 

I have blogged about this before, but I am feeling stagnant in my yoga practice as well as in my teaching. I am inspired in my teaching from my practice, so when I don't have an active practice, it trickles into my teaching. I'm just having to learn how to adjust to the phases of my life, though. Growth isn't always a linear, diagonal path. And really, who's to say I'm not growing. In fact, I'm growing tremendously, but it's more focused in areas off of the mat. One challenge I was facing was a head full of thoughts that was bringing me down. I think a lot, and sometimes, I can create all kinds of drama in my head that just isn't real. I get bogged down in my thoughts and it affects my actions. I'm like a computer who has too many pages open. All of the information gets jumbled and I can't see situations clearly. I felt myself getting emotionally drained, so I made a decision to do something about it. I made a commitment to myself that I was going to read two meditation books in the morning and then journal. I have a little trouble with commitment, so I promised myself that I would focus on two meditation books and journal, every day. I've been doing this for a couple of months now, and it's been amazing the changes I've seen, mainly in my thoughts and actions. These are the two books I'm using now:

Amazon

Amazon

Both have been excellent to read in the morning, even if you're not Christian or in recovery! There are so many meditation books out there that are wonderful to help keep you grounded, I'll have to list my favorites one day. Back to my point, the journaling has been really great to get all of the blah out of my head and work through what's bothering me. A friend told me about a little process called R.A.I.N. by Tara Brach. It talks about identifying what is really bothering us, allowing ourselves to feel the emotions surrounding the situation, and coming up with a solution to help us come back to ourselves. Here is a link to Tara's website and more information about the technique. I've done this so many times since I've started this whole process and it's really helped me work through some stuff. The thing is, when a situation in our lives is bothering us, it's almost 100% of the time not related to the present moment. It's some kind of past transgression that's never been fully healed. Each day, we're presented with these little healing opportunities, but it's up to us to dig in and figure it out. It can be quite painful, because many times, it's something we've done to ourselves. That's the point of self study, though. That's how we become better. That's how we learn to love others, through loving ourselves and taking the time to be a better person. Yogis always seem to get so focused on Ahimsa and being vegan, I never hear them talking about self study, Svadhyaya. Svadhyaya is THE most important thing one can do because it's our way of helping the world. Through identifying our pains, our wounds, and fixing them, we can become better people. I can't control what's happening in the Middle East, but I can control whether I'm harming the people in my life. It's very normal and natural to act out sometimes, and we're going to do it because we're human. I have a choice, though, and that choice is to explore where that pain is coming from and do something about it. 

So, that's where I am today. The past two days, I haven't even really had anything to say in my journal, but I'm still writing because I want to stay in that habit!

I have been taking some photos lately, so I'll leave you with one of my most recent favs. Thanks!

South Carolina Botanical Gardens

Wendi

It's Over!

I'm glad to know that the election is over because no matter who you like, the commercials had to be driving you crazy! It certainly was not my favorite and I hope that we can now move on. One of the things that I felt very disappointed in was the way that we seemed to treat each other. I think one of my biggest challenges to myself in life is learning how to discuss a topic with people who have different opinions. Can I respect that they may have had a different life or a different perspective and while I may not agree with him/her, do I need to resort to name calling and degrading comments to make myself feel better? I certainly don't want to live my life that way.

But rather than sit back and judge people for the way they acted during such a heated election, I thought it might be nice to give some different solutions for dealing with such a stressful time. I don't think I'm alone in being able to feel the stress of yesterday in my body. I feel frazzled and I keep having to take deep breaths to shake off the tension I feel everywhere I go. If you are happy with the results, be happy, excited and continue to focus on the positive ways you can be an influence in people's lives. If you are not happy with the results, this may be a good time to accept it for what it is and continue to focus on positive ways you can be an influence in people's lives. How can I be positive, though, if I'm all frazzled? Here are some things to do to relax and get yourself centered:

1) Take a deep breath

Here are several articles on breath and how it affects stress:

Article 1
Article 2
Article 3
Article 4

There are so many methods to practice breath work but the simplest thing to do is this:

a. Sit in a quiet place, lock yourself in the bathroom if you have to, and sit with your back flat against the wall.
b. Close your eyes
c. Take a deep breath in, filling your belly with air first, then allow it to rise into your chest. It's like your chest and stomach are a bottle of water and the water fills the bottom first as it rises to the top.
d. exhale pushing the air out with your belly like your squeezing the bottom of the water bottle
e. repeat that for 3-5 minutes.

2) Take a bubble bath

I think this is pretty self explanatory. How relaxing is it to take a hot bath? I love it. Maybe add some candles that are scented with lavender or vanilla. Turn the lights off and close your eyes. Imaging letting go of all of your muscles, starting with your feet up to your head.

3) Loving-Kindness Metta

This is a wonderful meditation that helps us let go of anger and resentment in our heart.
Instructions

4) Prayer

At the end of the day, there are going to be things that happen that I have no control over. I have to practice this on many levels, on a daily basis and in times when I feel fearful about the future. Let's face it, the reason we get so hateful during election time is because we are fearful. We're afraid of not having control. We think our ideas our best and if they are not followed, then the world is going to end. Much of the rhetoric that I heard yesterday and today was fear based. So what can I do to counteract that? I can pray. I can ask for guidance in my actions and I can ask for God's will. My only function in life is to align myself with God's will in every action. Do I really feel God's will is to degrade others? Do I feel God's will is to be a source of negativity for my family and friends? I do not. So I just sit quietly and ask God to guide me through my day and show me where I can be of service. As long as the intention in my heart is good, then there is no doubt that God can make miracles happen.


You will never see me express a political opinion on this forum because that's not my place. What I will say is that my goal in my daily life is to be of service and of love. When I do that, I am happy and have no fear.

WEGO Health Day 4 - I write about my health because....

Today's challenge is to finish this statement -

"I write about my health because..."

The first time I even thought about blogging was when reading a magazine and finding that there were blogs out there promoting disordered eating behaviors. As young women, we already get enough pressure from media, fashion, boys, I thought, we don't need more pressure from our own peers.

source - models.com

I started this blog to raise money for the American Cancer Society and it has developed into a lot of different things. I write about m fitness journey and how much it changes, decorating my house, food, etc. The one thing that I try to keep consistent in my posts is an honest, authentic account of my life as it relates to my struggles with body image, nutrition and fighting against the myths that have been bestowed upon us throughout our entire lives. Essentially, I'm trying to show people how I am evaluating everything I've ever been taught about how to view myself and change it.

me as Rachel Zoe - yes - almost identical

I don't have a huge following but I hope that even if someone reads my blog just once, it gives them the confidence to be themselves, whatever that may be. To believe whatever it is that he/she wants to believe. That it's okay to make mistakes - it really makes life more enjoyable - and throughout it all - I am perfect as a child of God.


I think that as women, we have been taught to constantly punish ourselves for being - ourselves. We're taught we always need to be improving our appearance, dye your hair, work out HARD and it's not okay to take breaks. We're supposed to be supermoms, with perfect houses, flourishing gardens and perfect at making everything from scratch. We are to be completely unselfish, put our family ahead of our own interests, and never to complain.

image source

That's not real. Sometimes, I want a cookie. Sometimes, I burn my paleo/low-cal/healthy breakfast that will help me shrink my pant size by 3 sizes. Sometimes, I straight up don't want to run. I just want to watch the real Housewives of Orange Country, put on a pair of shorts that are comfortable in all the wrong places and a t shirt with no bra, and eat a damn brownie. And in those times that I feel that way, that's what I do and that's okay. Maybe if I can be a little gentler with myself and the expectations I have for myself, I'll be more present and willing to do the others things when they need to be done.

SO - that's what I write about my health.


Namaste y'all!

Day 1 of WEGO Health Challenge - Health Time Capsule

Today is the first day of the WEGO Health Writer's Challenge (actually it was yesterday but I was traveling home from Charleston, so I thought I'd do a post early this morning and the other later this afternoon) and the topic is a Health Time Capsule. I have to pretend I'm making a health time capsule that will be opened in 10 years. What do I put in it & what will people think of it when they find it. 

First, what I need to do is define my health focus for this challenge. I write about a lot of different things so I can probably pick a million, and maybe I'll do a different one each time but I think the biggest movement that I truly believe in and where I'd like to be an advocate is revealing the truths of the diet industry. I began my "get healthy" path by going on a couple of extreme diets & working out hard every day. One week, I'd be cutting out all high density carbs, including fruit. The next week, I'd be measuring out my almonds and weighing my protein. It all was very extreme and emotionally distracting. What ended up happening was my inability to continue to stay on such an extreme diet would emerge, I would binge all weekend and then feel guilty about it the following week. Then my binges started on friday instead of saturday. Then thursday and by the end of it, I was only eating healthy on Tuesdays. The rest of the days, I was rebelling against the idea that I couldn't eat certain fruits & veggies because they had too much "sugar". In the end, I was eating a box of oreos. 

I appreciate that there are many out there who have no issues with food control, but based on the multi billion dollar diet industry, shows like the biggest loser, and the rising numbers in disordered eating, I would say that I'm not alone in my inability to do so. So if I were building a Health Time Capsule, I would include certain things that have helped me change that "diet" mentality along the way. Here's a brief list. 

1. A book called "Women, Food & God" by Geneen Roth

buy it here

2. Another book called "A Return to Love" by Marianne Williamson

buy it here!

3. A yoga mat & a yoga book to help start a yoga practice

source

4. A cookbook called " Super Natural Cooking" by Heidi Swanson

source

5. (since I'm in Greenville, SC & I'm assuming people looking at my time capsule live here) A list of local farms that sell milk, cheese. meat, veggies, etc. 

I'm doing this this year!

6. A book called "French Women Don't Get Fat" by Mirielle Guiliano

Amazon

7. Hiking guides for the surrounding states

Hiking Trail in Eastern NC/SC

I'm sure I could come up with many other things, but those are probably the things I think would help get my point across. I would hope that as people look through my time capsule, that they were things they have already adopted! But if not, I hope that they realize that being skinny isn't the most important thing but a by product of living a healthy lifestyle. I wanted to include the local farms, specifically the ones that serve meat, to show that one can eat meat in a fairly healthy/sustainable way. 

I can't wait to read what other's wrote about today! This is going to be fun!

Namaste, y'all!

Finding Happiness Within

Let me start this post by saying I'm not a big fan of the new blogger interface, but I guess it's time to convert since it will be happening soon anyways. In the meantime, I'm going to have to get used to it and figure out the differences from old and new. I also was thinking about getting one of those programs for writing blogs instead of having to write them in blogger - does anyone have any suggestions? I have a MAC so that does make a difference.

Anyway, yesterday, I was sitting at my desk and I just had that icky, restless feeling. I think I've gotten those feelings a lot over the years, but have never really been able to identify it. I immediately started thinking of ways to "fix" that feeling. I tried eating something. Then I started fantasizing about a different job. But really, I can't think of another job I would want to do. And then, for the first time ever, I thought, maybe I am just feeling like this right now and it doesn't have anything to do with anything going on around me. I don't really understand why I have that feeling. It doesn't happen often, or who knows, maybe it does and I just don't realize it at the time. Maybe I just decide to eat candy or I pick a new project to become obsessed with.

I keep myself busy. It wasn't until the end of last year that I decided it was time to slow down. And honestly, because of that, I've had to make some sacrifices. I've had to miss out on interesting workshops, trips, time with friends but I realized that I can't be in 20 different places at the same time and that I'm just straight up tired. So, I've made a concerted effort to SLOW DOWN and be more present in everything I do. I think what I've realizes is that there is a REASON that I keep myself so busy & maybe this "icky" feeling is one piece of it.

Here's my question - what causes that? Why do I feel that way? Well, actually my first question is usually "HOW DO I GET IT TO STOP?" Yesterday, I realized maybe the questions should be the ones above - why do I have that feeling? I talked to my husband about it and he said that he thinks everyone has them. He said, we're just not supposed to feel joy all the time, it's not reality. But that's why we do things chasing that joy. We look for it in places that tend to be unfulfilling, i.e. a new job, money, food, etc.

So my new goal for now is to just learn to sit in the discomfort until 1) it passes, 2) I figure out why it happens or a combination of the two. I really think this is something that all people struggle with (consciously or unconsciously) and the ones that find true happiness are the ones who know that they aren't always going to feel good. So we'll see!

Namaste, y'all

Love this

Please read this if you've ever struggled with disordered eating

great Article

Breaking Old Thoughts

One of the things that I have been doing over the last 5 years (and really probably even before that) has been taking old beliefs that I had about myself, the world, other people and evaluating them. It's interesting how many I've realized how many of those beliefs have not been true and I've done a lot of work trying to figure out which of them work for me and which of them do not.

The ones that have been the worst are the ones I've told myself about myself. I realize that we are raised to believe certain things about ourselves, and we've created stories for ourselves that if we really take a look back and evaluate them, may find that they're not true.

Some "stories" I've believed about myself for some time now -

1 - I'm overly emotional (and that is bad)
2 - I am unathletic
3 - I have to weigh 152 lbs and be not only thing, but also muscular
4 - I am not very smart
5 - I am undisciplined
6 - I am self absorbed
7 - I am not creative
8 - if someone else says it, especially about me, it must be true


Those are just some. If I sit here long enough, I can probably think of some others. Not very nice, right? But I'm not the only one who thinks like this. From talking to others, especially women, we all think this type of stuff about ourselves. And the question is, why? Who has told us that any of these things are true? What purpose does it serve me to think of these things.

One thing that I've learned through studying yoga, and a lot of other stuff, is that our thoughts become our reality. Even just one thought takes it place in the world in some way. So am I perpetuating some version of myself that is all of these things? I believe so. But if my thoughts have power, then can't I change these things about myself? Or can't I at least learn to appreciate some of the beauty from these traits?

1. I'm not overly emotional, I'm passionate and that is something that is good. It means that I believe very strongly in things and while those things may change over time, at least it's authentic. You will always know who I am and where I stand - even if you don't agree with it.
2. This just simply isn't true. One thing Holly (my running coach) always says is if you have a body, you're an athlete. Am I winning any races, no. But does that matter, no. Does it mean I'm somehow unathletic if I'm not an Olympian, no.
3. read this blog post
4. I don't know where this came from. And I don't really have a response for it other than I am exactly as smart as I need to be. I will say that I'm fairly emotionally insightful.
5. I am not great at adhering to a schedule, but I think that has more to do with me be a little ADHD and maybe a bit to do with my dosha
6. Aren't we all? just kidding - I think that I am selfish but also do a lot for others so I'm good in this area
7. I never give myself the opportunity to be creative. I keep myself very busy and never allow myself to slow down. This is something I would like to do and am trying to do.
8. We're all at the mercy of our perceptions. And some never even consider that their perception might be wrong but luckily I do know that not only are my perceptions wrong, so are others. So I have the ability to review everything that comes my way and decide if it's something I should believe.


I want to be someone who is kind, loving, thoughtful, helpful, authentic, and productive so I'm going to believe that I am kind, loving, thoughtful, helpful, authentic, and productive. I'm going to wear my Snappy Band and be kind to myself!

Namaste Y'all

Imperfection

I was reading one of my favorite blogs today, Skinny Runner and saw a link to another blog Shut Up and Run. She had a list of things to live a happier life and the one that really stuck out to me was -

You must love who you are or no one else will either. And when you are truly comfortable in your own skin, not everyone will like you, but you won’t care about it one bit.


My quest over the past few years, especially since I've started Yoga training, has been to love who I am. The first thing I had to do was learn who I was and then figure out how to accept that. Growing up, I never really "fit in" for several reasons, but the main one being that I have a "quirky" personality. I like to say that I'm "worldly" but others might use the term "eccentric". I was always ashamed of this because people made me feel like I needed to be. Then, I tried so many different things to be a different person that it has taken me a long time to figure out who I actually am. What do I like? What do I dislike? Why? 


Through lots of introspection, work with mentors, 12 step work, etc etc, I have come to a place where I'm at least more accepting of myself. I feel completely different in my skin because I know that I'm going to say and do things that I'll regret later, but it doesn't mean that I'm bad as a person, I just am going to make mistakes. 


Another bullet point that I liked was - 


In your quiet moments, pay attention to your self-talk. Because maybe, just maybe, the only thing that needs to shift in order for you to experience more happiness, more love, and more vitality, is your way of thinking.


My self talk is not very positive so while I like to build others up with kind words, I don't give myself that same respect. So, that's my new goal, to talk to myself like I would talk to my grandmother. I would never say anything rude to her because I love her and no matter what she does, I'm only going to respond with love so why can't I do that for myself? 


I'm reading a book called "The Spirituality of Imperfection" 

source

I think that this book is going to talk about allowing ourselves to be human, so it'll be interesting to get this perspective. I've had this book for years and have been trying to read it for years, but now I feel like I am actually motivated to do so. I'll report back. 

Another great book to read if you are on a personal exploration is - 

source

I HIGHLY recommend this book. It changed my life!

Do you like Marianne Williamson? 

What do you think about Imperfection? 

Girl, look at that body - I work out

As I am coming off of this very LONG workout break, I think I have finally realized what that was all about. I will say that after training for 3 half marathons (even if haphazardly) I was a little bit burnt out, but I think I also I needed to prove to myself that this wasn't some type of unhealthy addiction.

Working out for people can become unhealthy SO QUICKLY. Movement is very important and I think we all need to be moving, but when I get into the mentality of calories in, calories out, that is a dangerous place. I'm not saying that every single person that does this is unhealthy, I'm saying that for me, this is a dangerous place. So not really having any kind of routine, just working out here and there, has been good for me to re-evaluate my goals and my idea of a "healthy" lifestyle. Here are some of the things that I've learned about myself recently.

1 - I could possibly be a teeny bit ADHD 

source

I don't know for sure, I have not been diagnosed, but people have always asked me over the years about that. Recently, 3 different people asked me about it in one week. My thought was, why are they all asking all of the sudden? I've obviously been this way forever, but is it just more noticeable now? 

I talked to my therapist about it (one who mentioned it may be a problem) and she felt like exercise is kind of a way for me to handle that. I obviously have lots and lots of energy, and exercise helps me focus that energy into something. 

source

2 - My body hurts without it

I've always had this nagging hip injury and I thought that it was something that was irritated from running. I've done yoga, stretching, blah blah thinking that eventually, it'll go away because maybe it was just too tight. Then I thought, maybe it's just overuse and this little break I have from running will help. Well, actually it got worse. Since I haven't been running, my hip pain is actually worse. I think it's from being sedentary at work. I work 8-6 and my job is me sitting at a desk, banging out calls (i'm a headhunter). So, sitting at the desk all day is actually hurting my hip! And running is the cure - who know? 

source

3 - It actually does help me feel better about myself

I don't want to get into the mindset that I HAVE to workout because I've eaten poorly and I don't want to feel like I can't eat something if I haven't worked out. But, I do feel better about myself when I move. I think it's a combination of the endorphin high, the feeling that I accomplished something I wasn't sure I could, and yes, I burnt a few extra calories. Those are all factors that contribute me actually feeling better after working out. 

source

I'm glad that I have to come to the conclusion that working out is actually good for me. I have to do that stuff every once in a while just to make sure that I am actually being healthy. What I do not want to be is someone who appears as though they live a health lifestyle, but they eat "low-fat" and they say, "oh I ate a brownie today so I have to do 30 extra minutes of cardio". That works for some and that's fine, but I do not want to be a "slave" to anything, not food, not working out, nothing. So, I have now proved to myself that I am not and I'm ready to get back into the swing of things! 

Morning Meditation

Every morning, I try my best to take between 5-15 minutes to have a quiet, morning meditation. There are so many books that I use and I also use this time to try my different breathing techniques and things like that. This morning's meditation was

THERE IS ANOTHER WAY OF LOOKING AT THE WORLD

Right now, I'm doing a series of meditations that build on each other and help me to learn how to have serenity in a crazy world. There have been so many things going on around me that this meditation struck me in a powerful way. There IS another way of looking at the world and that means that every notion and conception I've formed up to this point can be different. 

If you read my short, but true post yesterday, you know that, at times, I struggle with body image and food and blah blah. I've gotten so much better in the past 2-3 years than I was the previous 10, but it can hit me hard when lots of things happen in my life. Stress is a big trigger, so is my monthly visit, which is kind of my issue now. 

I texted a friend of mine from yoga, Peggy, and she responded back with this - 

"Snappy band is the start... the connection to setting our own intention and believe it verses what's coming in from extrinsic cues around us"

Snappy band is a reference to yoga teacher training. When we first started with the training, Karen (my teacher) passed out hairbands to put on our wrists. Every time we thought something negative about ourselves, every time we disrespected ourselves or had that quiet chatter that we have where we tell ourselves bad things about ourselves, we are supposed to snap the band. 

It's amazing to me when I really TRY to be nice to myself, how hard it really is. I catch myself saying, I'm crazy, or Why did I do that, or whatever ALL. THE. TIME. So how can I expect things to change around me, when I can't even change the way I see myself? I have to trust myself and KNOW that I can do anything. I am in control. If I want something to change, I have to start inside. 

I LOVE what Peggy said and I love that it totally connected to my meditation for today. So what is my intention - to stop the chatter in my head telling me I'm not worthy, to be clear about what I want from the world, and to put in the effort to get there. 

No Pain, No what?

I'm sure many of you have seen the recent article on the dangers of yoga. My boss made it a point to come tell me how yoga can hurt me because he knows how much I go to yoga class. We had a chance to discuss this over the weekend in Yoga Teacher Training and it got me thinking about a couple of things.

it's interesting to me that they're trying to demonstrate how yoga is dangerous by doing this pose COMPLETELY wrong. You're never supposed to turn your head in this position and any good yoga teacher will tell you that. 

But I digress - 

Back to my point. In fact, I probably need to back up fairly significantly to cover all of my thoughts. 

The Western World

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Have you ever heard the phrase, "no pain, no gain"? I'm sure that you have. We watch shows like the Biggest Loser and you can see how quickly the group is ready to turn on the one person who isn't working hard enough. Runners always talk about pushing through injuries and ignoring the pain because if we recognize that pain, then we are weak. And weak means we have no value and we should be ashamed. 

No Fear

No Pain

Push Through

These are things that we have been told time and time again are the right ways to feel. 

When I first started working out, that's what I was told. Push through the pain, push through the fear, ignore yourself because you are weak and your weakness will bring you down. 

IT HAS TAKEN ME YEARS OF THERAPY to realize how unhealthy this thought process is. 

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A woman ran a marathon while 9 months pregnant. That. is. absurd. 

I AM NOT SAYING THAT WE SHOULD NEVER PUSH OURSELVES 

I'm saying that we deserve to treat ourselves and our bodies with respect. When I put my hand on a stove and it starts to burn, I shouldn't go, Hey, no pain no gain, push through this pain. It's the same with my knee, my hip, my back, etc. When your knee is tweaked and you're limping around, you should not push through the pain. 

The best gift I can give myself is learning the difference between being uncomfortable while pushing myself, and my body telling me to stop because I am hurting it. What is my ultimate goal, to live a long, healthy life and how do I achieve that? My not damaging my body in a way that will affect me in my later years. Why tear up my knee so bad now that when I get old, I have to use a cane? 

The first person that ever introduced a healthy body viewpoint in my life (well, at least, that was a trainer) was Holly Di Giovine. She is very big on challenging ourselves but listening to our bodies and taking care of them. She emphasizes the importance of healthy nutrition, stretching, rolling, hydrating - doing the things that one needs to do in order to maintain a healthy mind and body. She showed me that you do not have to be a hero, ignoring yourself. 

So how does this all relate to the article? My point is this - in any physical activity, when my ego is involved, I will get hurt. In yoga, in running, in weight lifting, in swimming, in anything. When I decide that pushing myself is more important than learning correct form, I am going to get injured. 

Crossfit - 

full range of motion and form is more important than the weight you lift. If the person beside you benches 225, and you want that 225 even though you've never done more than 150, you're probably going to get hurt. If you don't, you're lucky. 

Running - 

if your knee hurts, but you know that you should be running a sub 24 5k, and you just push yourself as hard as possibly in spite of that knee pain, you're probably going to hurt yourself even more. 

Yoga - 

If you desire to get into a pose before you know how to properly do it, ahem cobra/plow/shoulder stand, you're going to get injured. 

Yoga is not about the body, but in the west, we think it is. It's about your health and doing what's best for your body, mind and spirit. Yoga means "yolk" to signify that union. 

So ultimately, the responsibility lies within yourself. If you have a teacher that tries to push you into a pose that you don't know - 

1) I would tell her/him

2) I would probably not go back to that class

The pose is never as important as the intention. You can always modify and still get the same benefit. 

I hope that we can unlearn what "healthy" means and retrain ourselves. 

Deep Thoughts by Wendi Matt

My morning meditation today said "My thoughts do not mean anything".

Then at lunch, I was thinking about it! (I crack myself up)

I was thinking today about the world and how we all think. The one thing that came to mind was our fascination with the black and white. I don't literally mean the colors, but in situations. Something I notice in all areas, fitness, nutrition, religion, politics, we, as humans, LOVE to put things into categories. We love to live in absolutes. And maybe I shouldn't say we, maybe I should just say I and the things I notice. I have spent an entire lifetime trying to define life by categories and then morphing myself (depending on who I'm around) to fit into that category.

Because I'm not sure if I'm making any sense, I'll try to use a concrete example.
A Runner - Ok, I've decided I want to take up running so what does that mean to me? that means I need to subscribe to Runner's World, I need to get up at 5 am and run, I need to buy some Saucony's, I need to get some running tights, I need to "look the part".
I'm not saying that those things aren't necessary to run, I'm saying that in order to participate in that activity, I have to do as the runners do.

Another example - a yogi
This is so perfect and it's also hilarious because it's poking fun at us yogis!

I may or may not have said at least 5 things in this video. 

Let me give yet another example - 

Religion - this may not happen in other areas, but in the South, it's like a battle on who's the better Christian. You can be a Christian, but you can't be Catholic, you have to be Baptist. Or you can't be Baptist, you MUST be Methodist, so on and so forth. 

I bring this up because as I get older, the more I realize a couple of things - 

1) Just because I say it, believe it, think it doesn't make it true. It's amazing what a little perspective brings. Our belief systems are developed through our life experiences and everyone's perception is going to be shaped differently. How can one determine which perspective is right? Who am I to say that I'm right and someone else is wrong just because they're different? 

2) It's not always black and white. There may be two apparent options in front of you, but does that necessarily mean they're the only two options. Just because you're not a democrat, does that automatically make you a republican? Just because you're not paleo, doesn't always make you a vegetarian. 

So how does that tie into my meditation? I am just realizing that what's in front of me isn't always what's real. And just because I believe it doesn't mean it's true. So when I'm getting ready to make a judgement on some person, some thing, some situation, can I pause and think, is there another side to this that would make my answer different? And if I don't know the answer, is it something I should even judge? 

I have this sign posted in my cubicle (I'm sure people think I am nutty) that I found on pinterest - 

Really, when I ask myself these questions before posting on Facebook, I almost always end up not posting :). I've found that most things in life just aren't super necessary to say :). I can't promise that I don't still post anyway, but at least I'm thinking of it. 

So what can I take from all of this retrospection - maybe some other New Years Resolutions - 

1 - balance is key. Nothing is absolute so somewhere in the middle is always the answer. there are two sides to every story and the truth is somewhere in between

2 - Silence is golden. Anyone that knows me knows that silence is not anywhere near my goal but that I should maybe just think a little more before speaking and hopefully, from that, my words will be kind, helpful and maybe loving. 

3 - For every answer I have, someone else thinks differently. 

Planking for Noah

I know that I've mentioned my friends, Brian and Jeanne Boughner, on my blog. They are in the final stages of adopting a baby boy from Ethiopia. It was been a long process - over 2 years - and they have a court date early part of 2012 to go to Ethiopia.

I am writing this blog post to ask for your help. On their trip, they are going to take some much needed supplies with them to give to the orphanage. If you can, please donate. It's for a worthy cause.

You must be the change you wish to see in the world - Mahatma Gandhi

This is something that Karen, my yoga teacher, tells us all of the time.

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What made me think about this earlier today was Facebook and the people I have as friends. Facebook is a weird beast in that there are a lot of things that I love about it, but there are also a lot of things I don't like about it. 

Pros -

1. I keep in touch with people I probably never would have otherwise. I see/talk to a lot of high school friends on facebook and keep up with their babies, etc. I LOVE seeing the pictures of their lives, their husbands, children, etc. Some of them live in other areas like Washington DC, Columbia, etc. 

2. I get to know people a little better than I would if I didn't have access to facebook. Biggest example, my husband's family that lives in MI. I keep up with them via Facebook and while we do try to do something once a year where everyone gets together, I would NEVER get to communicate with them and see what they're doing if it weren't for FB. Or maybe I would, but it just makes it a bit easier. 

3. Business - I can keep up with businesses that I like and more importantly, my husband can promote his business. I also use it to promote my blog and to keep up with others' blogs. 

Really there are many more benefits and that's why I like Facebook so much because it's a great way to connect with parts of the world that I normally wouldn't be able to. 

Cons

1. Is this my only form of communication? Do I hide behind snipits of things instead of truly getting to know others? I don't really think this is something I do, but I can see where it might be a problem. I think sometimes, it's too difficult to keep up with all the things going on with facebook, and have personal relationships as well. But isn't that true of all things? I don't know. 

2. The lack of fear/compassion for others. I'm having a hard time verbalizing what exactly I mean with this. I've written and re-written this paragraph several times because I want to say this correctly. With the added protection of the internet, we've become braver and meaner as a society. What I would say to someone on facebook is not necessarily what I would say to that person directly. In my mind, I can think of all kinds of hateful things to say to a person when I'm upset, but in reality, I would NEVER say some of those things because I don't actually want to be that mean. Facebook takes away that fear, or that concern of the other's reaction. People get into disputes and say things in the comment section that are rude and hateful. There is a lot of complaining, a lot of opinions being thrown around without the lack of concern for the thoughts/feelings of others. 

How does that effect me? One thing that I am trying to do is limit the amount of negativity that I bring into my life. I tend to be negative myself, so one of my goals has been to be more positive. How can I be more positive when I'm constantly consuming negative things? News is a great example. I've had to limit the amount of news I read, watch, etc. While I want to be an informed individual, I also sometimes feel that the news is sensationalized for dramatic effect and it can be devastating to my psyche. I try to limit the type of music I listen to. I used to love all kinds of gangster rap, rock, etc. I've found that it can have a negative effect on me, even causing me to be anxious. I know it's weird, but it's true so I've changed a lot of what I've listened to. 

With Facebook, I've actually had to hide a lot of my friends. People will say things that are mean or negative, they'll get into arguments about sports teams, talk about politics, etc and I've had to hide them. I don't want to be rude and defriend them, although I have done that to a lot as well, but I have to work hard enough to keep myself positive, I can't worry about others being positive as well. In turn, what I've tried to do is to only do/say positive things when I post something. I again, am not perfect, and fail a lot of times, but in spite of all the things that I've posted on FB, I've abstained from posting a lot more because I've thought, is this something I really would want to see from my friends. How can I add something positive to peoples' lives, I can be the change I wish to see. 

What are your thoughts on facebook? 

Back in Control - Wendi Matt style part Deux

Over the past few months, my life has been out of control, as many of you know. The biggest piece of the confusion was the buying and selling of houses. The second largest thing has been the amount of committed activities such as weddings/football games/out of town trips either for races or weddings/races. Things are finally settling down because all of the weddings are out of the way, the houses are done and I have one final trip starting on Wednesday. I'm kind of ready to get back into a routine because although I like excitement every once in a while, a routine is more conducive to taking care of myself. Some things I'm getting ready to being again -

1. Eating Healthy
This has been the hardest thing to do because we've had to eat out a lot. Although we've eaten a lot of salads and healthier items, I just feel better when I eat at home and cook.

*I control the quality of ingredients - I'm not so much a big advocate for low calorie or low fat food, but more so of less processed foods. That means, unbleached flour, unbleached sugar, real butter, not margarine or something that isn't made of real food, etc. I know that butter and things like that are processed but I'd rather eat something that is made from natural ingredients vs some kind of weird chemical that is low in calories/fat. I don't eat artificial sugar, I eat real sugar, I don't eat low fat mayo, If I eat mayo, I use real mayo, etc. When I eat out, unless I'm going to a place that specializes in organic food, I seriously doubt they're using high quality ingredients so even if I eat a salad with deli meat like turkey, it's probably not organic and grown without antibiotics/hormones. I can't even talk about where that meat comes from in terms of the type of farm and it's impact on the environment, but at the least, I know that I'm probably eating some type of chemical that could cause me to have cancer at some point.

*I can eat more frequently - eating out is expensive and when you don't have access to a kitchen, you end up eating out 3 meals a day. I typically eat more than 3 meals a day, but I'm not going to eat out more than 3 meals a day, so by the time we get somewhere to eat, I'm starving and there goes my portion control

*I control my portions - when I can eat any time I want, I don't get as hungry and I can stop eating when I'm full. When I'm starving, I will eat everything quickly until I'm stuffed. I don't like that.

2. No distractions 
I'm not as distracted right now. I still have a lot of stuff to put up and organize and decorate, but I've got the main stuff organized so I can go back to basic living. I can get back to a regular schedule which includes yoga, work, running, and rest. Since I won't have to go meet this person or pay that person or find this service or whatever - I can just get back to my routine

3. Exercise 
My goal over the past few months has been to simplify my life which has been somewhat hard since this has been the busiest fall ever but I had all these ideas of training plans I wanted to do and this and that and blah blah. I'm just going to run and do yoga. That's my plan for right now. I'd like to get back into Crossfit but don't have the set up for it yet and really don't have the money for it yet, so run and yoga. I'll do one one day, and the other another day. Every other day, run and yoga. I will also ride my bike because I LOVE riding my bike, so that'll be good cross training. Otherwise, I'm not worrying about it. I think that will be plenty.

4. Finances
Obviously, these have changed a bit and with an upcoming trip to Vegas and Christmas, it's going to be a little willy nilly. Starting in January, I'll sit down and write up a new budget. We spent some money from our savings in getting our old house sold and buying the new one, plus we bought a new couch and blah blah, so I'd like to get an idea of monthly expenses and getting them back on track. There's not point in stressing about it now though because as I said above, I've still got some unusual spending going on. January 1, I'll have an idea of new expenses, trash, uverse, and gas bill, as well as adjusted old expenses such as mortgage and energy bill. Then I can sit down and focus on monthly expenses, new financial goals, etc.

Other than that, I'm excited about our upcoming trip to Boulder and Vegas. I'll be visiting Jane at In the Pink and Green for a few days as well as racing in the Las Vegas Rock 'n' Roll Half Marathon!!! No, I haven't run in 2 weeks and yes, I realize this will not be a PR, but I don't care. I'm going to have fun!!!

I'm Still Here

I had a wedding this weekend in Richmond which I will be talking about later this week. Our internet at home is acting up or I'd have pics and be talking about it today, but oh well.

It is exactly 8 days until we move. We're moving exactly 9 miles from our current home. This is what has been taking up all of my time lately. As I discussed last week, I had a training plan that I was going to follow in order to be prepared for Vegas. Based on that plan, I did 2 of the 5 workouts scheduled. Awesome, right? So, we'll try something new this week. Well, we'll try something old, but just try again.

Tuesday - 6 miles, yoga
Wednesday - cross train
Thursday - 1/4 mile repeats and 1/2 mile repeats
Friday - Cross train, yoga
Saturday - yoga all day
Sunday - yoga most of the day and then 4-6 2 minute hill repeats

I'm a bit off schedule but it's fine. I can fit in the workouts I can, and not worry too much. I don't think I'm going to PR in Vegas, but it's okay. That's part of life, sometimes, you have more time than others.

Things on my to do list -

1. switch power from one house to the other
2. switch water from one house to the other
3. finish packing - this is major
4. yoga teacher training - yes, that's this weekend. The weekend before we move. awesome right?
5. there's that little holiday called thanksgiving. that's 2 days after we move

Things I would normally do that I can't -

1. train 5-6 days per week.
2. go to the grocery store

So we're going to be eating out a lot and we're going to be not working out. The next two weeks are going to be stressful and I'm thinking I'm going to be a little crazy. I start feeling bad about myself when I don't eat well and while I appreciate the idea of eating out salads all the time, I don't do as well in that scenario. I've eaten BBQ two days in a row. So...


I just have to remember that this is life sometimes, make it through the best I can, not get too stressed about being out my routine and remember that on December 12th, I'll be able to get back on track. (I leave for Boulder, CO/Las Vegas on the 28th).

Operation Shut it Down...

So, as many of you know from reading my bazillions of blogs earlier about how I'm burnt out, I have been trying to decommit from a lot of different things so that I can slow down. The task has been hard but I think I am finally getting caught up on some much needed rest. It came at a good time because I've got so much going on in November, I don't need to be over committed.

Good News - the house is officially under contract. We have to get through the inspections, so once that's over, I'll feel much better!! We're getting close and I think we'll officially close on November 22nd!!

So.... training - last night, I ran 3.2 "easy" miles with my friend, Lori. And by "easy", I mean my 5k pace. ha. She is faster than me and I haven't been running as much so for me, it was fast. but it was good to get out and run and have someone to distract me.

I've decided that we're canceling our gym membership and I'll probably just focus on running/yoga for now. After making that decision, I instantly felt bad because I was like, no more spin class, no more swimming, no more zumba, etc etc. But I think that what has kept me so busy over the last few years is the idea that I want to be doing everything and I don't have enough time to do it. So, I've had to come to terms with the idea that maybe I can't do everything and for now, the right thing for me to do is to miss out on triathlons/swimming and focus on something I can do easily and at home to save time. I'll be running, going to yoga, riding my bike and doing Nike Training Club. When we save up enough, we can get some equipment and I can start doing crossfit again. Having a garage gives me more options and without a gym membership, it helps me save up to make a home gym.

Have you ever had to decide between time and what you want to do? 
Do you go to a gym or have a workout regimen you can do at home? 

Holy crap - it never ends!!!

As many of you know who have been reading my posts lately, I am in the process of significantly reducing my commitments, activity, everything that is going on right now in my life because I am tired. That seems like it would be an easy thing to do but it hasn't been. Every time I get done with a commitment, someone asks me to do something else. And while I normally love helping people do things, I am at a point where I just feel like I have nothing left to give. I can't get any down time to replenish and rest. I didn't really do anything on Sunday, but it didn't seem like enough. That's how I know I'm getting burnt out... that one day of sitting on the couch all day doesn't seem like enough. I talked to a friend of mine, a mentor I guess, and she helped me to prioritize the things in my life - 

1. My Spiritual life - what am I doing to make sure this is developing/growing - this has to come first

2. My husband/family - am I giving him the attention he deserves/needs 

3. My friends 

4. Work

She said a good thing to do would be to write down all the things I'm doing for myself physically, mentally and emotionally and see what's working/what's not. That is something I'll probably try to do this week. 

1. The one thing I will say is that my prayer and meditation has increased significantly. I am really trying to focus on God's will and stay present so that I can be aware of opportunities he has for me. I honestly think that is why I'm realizing how much I am in need of slowing down. It has become abundantly clear that I need to cut back and take a look at why I am keeping myself so busy. 

2. My husband - this seems to be the first thing that suffers because I know that if I blow him off, he will still love me and be married to me. Isn't it funny how the people that are close to us suffer the most? So this is an area where I can greatly improve and yet again, is why I'm trying to change things around. 

3. Friends - this one is interesting. I try so hard to be involved in everything going on because I don't want to miss out. I want to be present for everyone, help everyone, be involved with everyone and it is starting to take at toll on me. What I have to do is evaluate the relationships in my life and focus on the few that have been important. I think that's why "Into the Wild" was spoke to me so much was because he was not concerned with relationships. It's not that I think I should not have any friends, it's that I don't have to have so many surface level friends just to prove to myself that I'm likable. Growing up, I didn't have a lot of friends and I've somehow taken those regrets with me through life. I've tried to have lots and lots and lots of friends to convince myself that I am okay. I've realized that how many people I know does not have a direct effect on who I am. Now knowing that, I can stop trying so hard and just appreciate the ones that have been there for me. Maybe then, I can spend the time developing those into something more instead of having lots of people that I don't really know that well. 

4. Work - If i'm taking care of myself in other areas, this one is easy. I can be there and work hard. 

So that's my goal over the next two months. I am enjoying my break from working out but it is also vital to my sanity so have to start figuring out the way to get back on track. 

Do you over-commit? 

How do you get back to your normal self? 

Learning to Say No!!!

Every now and again, I realize that I have spread myself too thin by saying yes when asked to do something. I love to help out -

1. because I like being helpful
2. because sometimes I think there may be an opportunity in a situation that I don't want to miss

but what that means is I get myself into situations like I'm in right now.

like this

I feel really lucky for the opportunities I've been able to be a part of - 

Go Run - 

FAVOR SC and the Gifts of Recovery Festival

And then there are the things that I'm doing because I want to like -

Yoga Teacher Training

http://yoganize.com/Teacher_Training.html

Football Season

I'm on the left

Marathon Training

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but right now, I'm effin' tired. I've got to scale it back. And what that means, I have to give up on some things that I don't want to. I have to say no to some people and I have to say no to myself. I'm at a point right now where I leave my house at 7:30 am and I get home anywhere between 8:30-9:30 pm. That is too much. I am tired. I can't keep going like this. 

And the thing is, because people know they can rely on me, and because I always say yes, I keep getting calls about doing one more thing. When I try to get some down time, I can't. Because there always seems to be an emergency and I've got to take care of it. It's frustrating. 

And who do I take it out on, my husband. Because I know he won't leave me and I know he'll take it. That is SSSOOOO not fair to him. So I'm about to make some serious changes in my life. The first change was not doing the marathon. I'm not doing it. Period. I do not care what anyone else thinks or says, I am not doing it. I'm going to do the half and enjoy it without having to pour my heart and soul into training because I don't have the time or the motivation. The second thing is that I'm not going to take on any new responsibilities. I am chairing the Gifts of Recovery Festival again (really, co-chairing with about 3 others), and possibly do more with that but as for other things.... no. Lastly, I'm going to take my training down a notch. I may only work out 4 days a week. And that will have to do for now. I am not going to run myself ragged because I'm trying to hold up some ideal that I am a hard core workout person who needs to be active 7 days a week. I just can't. And that might change after football season. And if it does, great. But if I had to cut out everything but yoga, I would, simply because what's important in my life is my husband, my recovery and for now, my job. And those are three things that come before anything else. If I take care of those, everything else will fall into place. 

Have you ever had to take a step back and slow down? 

How do you balance training and your life?