|Brook green Gardens, Murrels Inlet, SC photo courtesy of me :)|
This week has been a really hard week for me. I guess it's probably a combination of raging pregnancy hormones, managing a toddler, and the actual reality of the situation. I've always struggled with my quest for perfectionism. I set standards for myself that seem to be achievable, other people seem to achieve them, and then I fail miserably, causing an internal strife that seriously affects my self esteem. I constantly ask myself, why can't I live up to this ideal, it seems as though others are. What's wrong with me specifically, that I seem to fail at being good at something? I thought that I had reconciled that with myself but being a mother seems to exacerbate those feelings because now, you're not only failing at something yourself, you're ruining someone else's life in the process.
That's what this week has totally been about. I think I've cried every single day, and some days, it's been like, for at least an hour. THAT, I do believe, is the hormones. BUT, that being said, it's coming from a place that's very real. I am only speaking int terms of motherhood at this moment, because that's where I am. I've also been here with working out, with diet, with work, with lots of things. Part of my issue is too much information. That seems inaccurate as "knowledge is power", but in reality, knowledge is a way for me to set myself up to lots of guilt. With each article I read on how TV ruins their brain, how flashy toys cause them to have ADHD, how eating too many corn dogs causes leukemia, I realize just how much I seem to be failing as a parent. I should feel guilty because she sleeps with me, she still takes a pacifier, she isn't great at independent play, blah blah blah. It really just gets so hard. I don't know if my child is unique, or if everyone's kid is this way and I'm just not good at it, but Ellie is very attached. That translates to clingy and there are times when she just won't even let go of my hand. It's cute, but after 12 hours of it, I'm like - I NEED A FRIGGIN' BREAK, just to gather myself.
My point is not that parenthood is hard, because I've already said that, but that I have to learn to let go and accept where I am. I just suck at certain things and other people don't. I think Wednesday was a breaking point for me because I just had more than I could take, of myself. I was completely beating myself up all day long and finally, I just let go. I surrendered to the fact that I am not good at A, B and C. Once I did that, I felt so much better. The struggle had ended. I waved my white flag and everything seemed to go a lot more smoothly. I didn't lose my temper with Ellie Thursday, probably because I was more relaxed. Did she watch too much TV? Yes. Did I clean to kitchen and living room like a boss? Yes. Did we end the day, knowing that she was loved and that I'm loved and no one got crazy? Yes. That's really all I can ask for.
I feel like I have to constantly learn this lesson over and over again in my life. The more I resist and fight myself, that harder it gets and the worse I feel. If I can just surrender to the moment, allow myself to make mistakes, and just trust in life's process, everything feels better.