Forgiveness and Love; What are we called to do

A Path Leading Up - may we take this with humility

Ellie and I finally made it to Mass today for the first time since May. I hate that I've missed so much but between subbing for yoga, going to the beach, Mother's day, Father's day, and lots of other stuff. We've had a lot of Sunday morning activities. It felt good to be back, especially during such a difficult time. The Charleston shootings have shocked the country, but being here in SC, it's really sent a wave of despair and controversy through the state. 

I'm not one to talk about politics and current events, but there were a couple of things that I felt were important about the reactions of the victims in this attack. We all got to hear a beautiful lesson in how to follow a spiritual life. There was so much beauty in the reaction of the victims' families, and the forgiveness they were able to extend to the killer. 

Forgiveness is a path to the healing of the heart. One cannot have a whole, healthy heart when harboring a resentment. Resentment cause discourse within, and causes the heart to close. One of my favorites quotes came from The Untethered Soul; it states ""No matter what happens below you, just turn your eyes upward and relax your heart." Though life may contain many challenges and we may experience much pain, our only task is to remain open. Our task is to remain vulnerable and open to the love around us and above us. That's such an important lesson for me because I am VERY sensitive and I can easily retreat into myself when life gets rough. I tend to be a guarded person, and through lots of work, I've been on the path of opening, though I still have a long road ahead. 

What does forgiveness look like? The victims of the Charleston shooting showed us the ultimate example of forgiveness. Though they experienced some of the worst pain that one can experience in life, the loss of a loved one, they forgave the killer. They laid their hands upon the image of him, told him they forgave him, and told him they loved him. He was not remorseful. He did not come groveling and asking for grace. He stood there with a blank face and they forgave him anyway. That is what we're called to do. It's easy to forgive someone who comes to you with an apologetic heart. When we see a person in a vulnerable state, it's easy for us to remain open too. Our function, though, is to remain vulnerable and loving even if the other is not. It's through this forgiveness that one opens oneself up to the light above. Our soul is free and we remain a vessel through which God can work. Our heart remains open and our energy pure. If they can forgive after such a heinous act, who am I to not forgive?  

As we continue to face our adversaries through such a divisive time in our country, I am reminded of the prayer of St Francis of Assisi. 

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy.

O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
It is in dying to self that we are born to eternal life.

It is not my function to judge, but only to love and be of service. If we keep that idea in mind, how would it change our daily actions and interactions with others? I'm not responsible for anyone but myself and maybe through my service, I can be a light to others. Why would I want to be anything else? 

The Downfall of Perfectionism

Brook green Gardens, Murrels Inlet, SC photo courtesy of me :)

This week has been a really hard week for me. I guess it's probably a combination of raging pregnancy hormones, managing a toddler, and the actual reality of the situation. I've always struggled with my quest for perfectionism. I set standards for myself that seem to be achievable, other people seem to achieve them, and then I fail miserably, causing an internal strife that seriously affects my self esteem. I constantly ask myself, why can't I live up to this ideal, it seems as though others are. What's wrong with me specifically, that I seem to fail at being good at something? I thought that I had reconciled that with myself but being a mother seems to exacerbate those feelings because now, you're not only failing at something yourself, you're ruining someone else's life in the process.

That's what this week has totally been about. I think I've cried every single day, and some days, it's been like, for at least an hour. THAT, I do believe, is the hormones. BUT, that being said, it's coming from a place that's very real. I am only speaking int terms of motherhood at this moment, because that's where I am. I've also been here with working out, with diet, with work, with lots of things. Part of my issue is too much information. That seems inaccurate as "knowledge is power", but in reality, knowledge is a way for me to set myself up to lots of guilt. With each article I read on how TV ruins their brain, how flashy toys cause them to have ADHD, how eating too many corn dogs causes leukemia, I realize just how much I seem to be failing as a parent. I should feel guilty because she sleeps with me, she still takes a pacifier, she isn't great at independent play, blah blah blah. It really just gets so hard. I don't know if my child is unique, or if everyone's kid is this way and I'm just not good at it, but Ellie is very attached. That translates to clingy and there are times when she just won't even let go of my hand. It's cute, but after 12 hours of it, I'm like - I NEED A FRIGGIN' BREAK, just to gather myself.

My point is not that parenthood is hard, because I've already said that, but that I have to learn to let go and accept where I am. I just suck at certain things and other people don't. I think Wednesday was a breaking point for me because I just had more than I could take, of myself. I was completely beating myself up all day long and finally, I just let go. I surrendered to the fact that I am not good at A, B and C. Once I did that, I felt so much better. The struggle had ended. I waved my white flag and everything seemed to go a lot more smoothly. I didn't lose my temper with Ellie Thursday, probably because I was more relaxed. Did she watch too much TV? Yes. Did I clean to kitchen and living room like a boss? Yes. Did we end the day, knowing that she was loved and that I'm loved and no one got crazy? Yes. That's really all I can ask for.

I feel like I have to constantly learn this lesson over and over again in my life. The more I resist and fight myself, that harder it gets and the worse I feel. If I can just surrender to the moment, allow myself to make mistakes, and just trust in life's process, everything feels better.