Tuesday, August 2, 2011

The Hunger Diaries

just kidding, I don't really even know what that has to do with anything (the title that is). I just have been thinking more about my intentions and specifically as it relates to food.

I have a hard time finding a balance between healthy and unhealthy behavior. I've struggled with body image issues for YEARS - I even remember thinking how fat I was in high school and I totally wasn't. But I was an overeater. I've always had a "healthy appetite" and I don't mean that I enjoy eating healthy, I mean, I could eat you and anyone you know under the table. As I gained weight (most of this was after I stopped drinking), I just got more and more disgusted with my body BUT I could NOT stop eating. It was very stressful/intense/hopeless. I just didn't have the "willpower" to make the right food choices so I would eat poorly, feel guilty about what I ate, then eat to make the guilt go away, etc etc etc etc.

In 2007, I started working out and dieting. I was able to get VERY strict with my diet and while I was not starving myself, because that would never happen, I became obsessed with measurements. My diet was very repetitive and I measured everything. I did the zone because it gave me an outline for how to eat and I took that to the nth degree. Then, the control I had started to slip and I had even MORE guilt. My cheat days went from 1 day to 2 days to 3 days until finally I was eating the zone on monday and cheating other days and created a whole new level of guilt.

I finally got some relief when I started seeing a therapist about my eating habits. I read a book called Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth which was AMAZING and it basically gives you a guide on how to eat. It's so awesome.

Anyway, I like where I am now in that I allow myself to eat what I want, but what I want isn't always necessarily bad. I think the fact that I allow myself to eat what I want doesn't make food seem so attractive. The idea that I can eat a cookie at 9 am if I want takes away the desire to eat a cookie at 9 am, if that makes sense. I go through phases where I eat dessert three times a day and then I don't like the way I feel so I go back to eating a little healther again. The biggest difference is that I don't struggle with that decision the way I used to. I just simplly make the change and that's it.

Where I am today with this, and the decision I need to make is that I have been struggling with some nausea on and off for the past 6 months. I've also had some breakouts and I think both can be linked back to my diet. More specifically, dairy. Let me tell you, I love dairy. I love milk, cheese, yogurt, all that is dairy. And the idea of not eating it is devastating to me. The other fear I have is cutting out an entire food group. That is a no no for me because I can get obsessive. And I just don't want to go through that again. So, how do I make some minor changes in my diet, which is reduce the amount of dairy I eat and I think bread as well, without going to crazy town. if I'm making the decision based on health reasons, will it be easier? My problem is that if I lose weight, or don't lose weight, I am scared of where it can take me.

So I think what my first course of action will be is to just take it down a notch on the gelato/ice cream/desserts. Then I can reassess and make adjustments. It seems so simple but I assure you, for me, it is not.

Do you struggle with food issues?
Do you have experience cutting out dairy? 

1 comment:

  1. Yep, definite food issues. And if I cut out an entire food group right now, I would probably have trouble. I think I'll read that book sometime, maybe it will help me (along with everything else I've done/read/heard!) :-)

    Just keep family/friends close so you don't get too obsessive!